If My Old God Was An Abuser (When you leave him)

(I'm giving this one a Trigger Warning for:  Rape, Abuse, Church Abuse, Oppression... Tread lightly if you need to.)   

if my old god was an abuser
fashioned out of bits of my mother and you
if I made him in my own image
set him up so I'd never be free
wrapping my arms in the hallelujah
strapping my feet in the glory be
if I created him to bind my wandering heart
then begged him to pay my debt
held myself in the violent plight of some promised privilege
used his words to break myself in

if my old god tread on women's shoulders
holding them down while he rose above
used my shame to keep me in my place
telling me only he could make me whole
if my old god broke me so he could use me
asked me to praise him all the while
raising my hands in blessed assurance
raising my hands to beg for life   

if my old god was a rapist
telling me that my body was owned
saying the price was paid
that I should count the cost
invalidating my very soul
if my old god wouldn't listen
if he told me my voice didn't count
if my old god took me while I slept
naming duty when I spoke a no

if my old god was a narcissist
acting from his ego and naming it church
handing mic to power only
placing a hand across my mouth  
when descent raised up and slipped over his head
my old god silenced it with his quick hand
love is stronger than power
but in the room of church
fear often controls love's tongue

if my old god would rather protect himself
keep his job secure and sound
if my old god keeps the other out
using scripture to uphold
if his words are used to cast out sin
but defines sin from his power
if my old god taught me who to fear
set himself up as protector
only so he could control